BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”