BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.