BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
O Wise One….
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”