ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Knock Knock
¯_(ツ)_/¯
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I only treason on days ending in y
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.