“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.