BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Birds & Planes.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.