Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.