Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
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I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Noah
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days