Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The Onion called it…again.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it