BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Passwords are more important than ever.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.