BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)