There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Think I pulled my liver
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.