It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Life with a cat in one tweet
never deleting this app.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
the clam before the storm
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.