every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My flabber has been gasted.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
wow
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math