Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.