I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I ate everything, including the H.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
some things should go without saying
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.