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@WilliamAder: Boss: Let's be frank.
Me: Dibs on "Sinatra."
@BuckyIsotope: This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
@Hormonella: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
@shawn_spree: My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.
@DvuslyMarvelous: TacoBell - America's preferred over-the-counter laxative
@phalguy: [At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?
Dentist: I'm not doing anything either.