Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
still the best tweet of the year by far
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Look at this
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
pls suprot
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket