GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.