I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I’m confused about plants
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas