Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Does your wife know you’re single?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?