Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.