Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Don’t make me out nice you.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The days of good grammer has went
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it