BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
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I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.