BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
You Might Also Like
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
A great tip. #CakeRex
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!