Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂