my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The real reason evolution started..😂
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
DOOO EEEET
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.