Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS