Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.