A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.