BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
You Might Also Like
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I have no passwords left in me
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.