Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.