-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies