BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Are you ok, human???
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
it was love at first sight
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Finally a use for spoilers…
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.