BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I love snow
– People who never shovel
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
😏😏😏
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.