Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Always a metermaid never a meter