Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry