[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Dead sexy!!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.