@JasonLastname: [boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do? Him: Just flush him down the toilet Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
@CrazyExhaustion: Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, "Is this Disney World?!" The answer is yes and I'll cut anyone who tells her differently.
@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter