Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.