Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea