*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You Might Also Like
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born