[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell