@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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@XplodingUnicorn: Tonight's parenting lesson: If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF. I need a shower.
@Brampersandon_: First time flying huh? -Yeah how could you tell? Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
@dshack8: 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.
@dshack8: Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*