@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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@LoveNLunchmeat: "Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn't live here!" I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
@BrandonVine: *pulled over by cop* Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired? *tags cop* Me: You're it! Cop: Me running away: Renewed!
@Boourns83: Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle.. Now I just smell like shit
@FrenulumBreve: [Witness Protection Program] So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it'll be to blend into your new- BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!