BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*