Lunatics are gonna loon.
You Might Also Like
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.