BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I hope it’s French Onion!
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.