Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
We found love in a hopeless place.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING