Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
So sick of all these stupid rules
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.