BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I think this should do it.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop