Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.